When Crisis Strikes a Friend

10 Practical Ways to Be There for Them

By Lesley Koeppel

As a psychotherapist working with individuals and families facing cancer and other serious health issues, I’ve witnessed too many friendships unravel when they are needed most. During crises like a cancer diagnosis, divorce, or the loss of a loved one, friends often don’t know what to say or do—so they say nothing. Time passes, the silence grows, and the friendship fades without resolution. This can be especially painful for someone in crisis who needs their friends more than ever.

Even if you're unsure of what to say, you can still be a supportive friend with these simple, actionable steps. Overcoming your discomfort is key, because this is about helping your friend, not avoiding your own fears.

1. Act Right Away

One of the best ways to be a good friend is to act quickly. If you reach out immediately, you won’t let time add to your anxiety about what to say or do. Even if time has passed, it’s never too late to reconnect (e.g., "I know I dropped the ball by not reaching out sooner, but I’ve been thinking of you. I wanted to let you know I’m sending love and support.").

2. Pick Up the Phone

This may feel challenging if you’re unsure of the right words, but it’s the most direct way to reach your friend. A simple call can mean a lot. Read further for ideas on what to say.

3. Put Something in Writing

If a phone call feels overwhelming, write a personal note or pick out a thoughtful card. Even a few lines show your friend that you’re thinking of them. If you email or text (although not ideal), use it to arrange a time to call or visit. Be sure to follow up, or the gesture might come across as hollow.

4. Send a Small Gift

A thoughtful gift like flowers, homemade cookies, or a book can lift your friend’s spirits. Include a short note (e.g., "Just a little something to let you know I’m thinking of you during this tough time").

5. Keep It Simple

Many people hesitate to reach out because they don’t know what to say. It’s perfectly okay to admit that. A simple, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m thinking of you,” can mean the world to someone in crisis.

6. Offer Specific Help

Use your strengths to offer direct support. If you’re close to their kids, offer to help with school pick-up. If you love to cook, deliver a meal on a specific night. Don’t leave offers vague like “Let me know if you need anything”—be clear and actionable.

7. Follow Up

Supporting a friend doesn’t end after the initial outreach. Check in regularly with a call or text, share something funny, or just let them know you’re thinking of them. Regular contact can ease their pain.

8. Avoid Unwanted Advice

Your friend doesn’t need you to fix their problem. They need someone to listen, not someone to offer medical advice or share unsolicited tips. Just being present is enough.

9. Don’t Ask Overwhelming Questions

Avoid asking for medical updates or how they’re feeling—chances are they feel terrible. Instead, distract them with stories, ask their advice on something, or share some good news.

10. Stay Away from Clichés

Clichés rarely provide comfort. Avoid phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Focus instead on genuine, heartfelt expressions of care.

The bottom line is to show up for your friend. Whether it's with a hug, a laugh, or a helping hand, your presence will make all the difference. Remember, as hard as it may be for you, what they’re going through is even harder. You’ve got this!